


The Wrong Way

by Supercalifragiwhatsit



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Gen, Justice the professional cockblocker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-22
Updated: 2012-03-22
Packaged: 2017-11-02 08:45:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/367128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supercalifragiwhatsit/pseuds/Supercalifragiwhatsit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While both are still in Amaranthine, Justice takes offense with Anders' (completely normal) methods of getting people into bed and takes it upon himself to make sure there is absolutely no manipulation going on. Whatsoever. Cats are a form of manipulation.</p><p>The Warden would step in if she didn't have such a full schedule of laughing her ass off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wrong Way

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the kmeme:  
> http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/3486.html?thread=21719198#t21719198

Leah Amell frowned down at a pile of apples, trying to figure out which she wanted. Why couldn't an apple just be an apple? No, they had to be all different types with different flavors and texture differences.

She was about to just tell the seller to toss a few in a bag and be done with it when Anders suddenly appeared by her side, Pounce tucked under his arm as he reached out to grab up an apple that looked like it couldn't decide what color it wanted to be.

"Try these. They're like you; very sweet, crisp," He grinned teasingly, "and just a little bit tart."

"Tart, huh?" She stuck out her tongue, knowing it was childish and not caring, "Well I can just see how you get all the ladies with complements like that."

"Aw, you know I didn't mean it. Much. You are a bit sarcastic at times. Even to my poor cat!" He scratched under said cat's chin, eliciting a loud purr from the animal, "Isn't she, Ser Pounce-a-Lot? Why just the other day she called you less useful than Mayhem! Less useful than a dog! As though you'd ever let a dog beat you-- No you wouldn't, you're the most wonderful kitty ever. Much better than a big slobbery mabari. Yes you are!"

"That doesn't work on me, you know." Leah pointed out as she reached out to scratch between the cat's ears, smiling despite herself as Pounce shoved his head up towards her hand, "Plus, I think he likes me better than you."

As Anders reverted to baby talk and insisting that his beloved cat loved none better than him, Leah saw Justice step forwards from where he'd been standing a few feet away. She couldn't technically _tell_ with that helmet, but she was certain he was frowning.

"What doesn't work on you?"

"Oh, she thinks she's immune to Pounce's charms." Anders answered airily, waving the hand that was free of cat.

"Yours too." Leah added dryly, "Of course, I suppose your charms are dependant on the cat making a good impression for you, aren't they?"

"Oh, ouch. I see how it is. Fine, I'll leave you to your apples and go find someone more appreciative." He tossed the apple he was holding to her and she deftly snagged it from midair. It was odd how the little things demonstrated how much they'd grown in such a short amount of time. Barely over a year ago, that apple would probably have somehow managed to nail her in the face, whether by her clumsiness or Anders'. If anyone back then had suggested she'd ever be able to do the same thing with a knife, she'd have died laughing.

As Anders walked off, she turned back to the apples. While she debated whether or not to take Anders' suggestion seriously, Justice spoke again, "I do not understand what charms the cat has. You are not speaking of magic?"

"Oh no, nothing like that. He's a man with a cat. It's the like seeing a man coo at a baby; it makes him seem nonthreatening. Only if a man is holding a baby one generally assumes that he has a lady somewhere, whereas a man with a cat is fair game." Leah explained automatically. She'd grown used to just skipping right past the joking and sarcasm with Justice; he never got it.

"So he tricks them." Justice didn't sound too happy about that.

The mage frowned to herself, shoving a bit of blonde hair away from her face to give her time to formulate a response that wouldn't end with Anders being lectured, "No, not exactly. He basically makes it so that the first hurdle-- the initial greeting-- isn't much of a hurdle at all. Him having the cat gives girls a reason to come up to him and talk to him without... risking anything. If he were an arse then they could excuse themselves easily, whereas they couldn't if they just flirted or tried to start a conversation." She shrugged, "Of course, it also works in his benefit since most girls seem to assume he's not an arse by virtue of having a kitty."

"Hmph."

Justice still didn't sound all that happy, but Leah figured trying to explain any more would probably hurt more than it would help. Off in the distance, she could see that Anders had managed to attract at least three girls (it _was_ the midday market) around the cat already. Apparently he was in fine form today.

She turned back towards the apples, deciding to just get some of the ones that Anders had recommended and throw them at him if he was wrong. Leah heard as Justice walked away from her in Anders direction, but it wasn't until she turned back around that she realized Justice had gone to harass Anders.

It was tempting to rescue the other mage... but also rather amusing to watch how indignant he was getting as the warrior seemed to somehow be chasing off the girls.

Leah was far more concerned with her lunch than with whatever spirit and mage were up to, though. A bite of an apple later and she determined that Anders had indeed been telling the truth. They were exceedingly yummy apples. Specifically, yummy apples that she didn't want to share. Staying out of the argument that she could see brewing between the two Wardens and munching on apples seemed the best course of action to her; Anders was a big boy, he could defend his own... honor or whatever.

And while he was doing so, he wouldn't be able to steal her apples. Obviously this was the best course of action.

***

A week later Leah was glaring down at a paper bearing the Warden seal. These letters were getting more and more frequent, and less and less subtle as they 'suggested' she should visit Weisshaupt.

Leah didn't want to visit Weisshaupt. If there was one thing she'd learned about the Wardens, it was that the Wardens had a ton more secrets that she was comfortable with. Between being the girl who stabbed the big scary dragon and being one of the only people Avernus actually respected, she already had far more contact with the First Warden than she wished.

Maybe it was time to go scarce for awhile. Maybe Zev needed some help (not that she had any idea where exactly her friend was). Maybe Alistair needed some healer harassing him and distracting him from kingly things (though that wasn't a good hiding place). Maybe it was time to track down Morrigan. Or go visit Sten. Not Wynne; no more Circle for her and the whole point of this was avoiding responsibility, not inviting it. Hell, maybe she should attempt the impossible and try to rescue some of the elves that had been hauled off to Tevinter; it wasn't like she hadn't already done at least one impossible thing, what was a country full of blood mages? Or maybe she should--

Her thoughts were interrupted as the door to her office flung open. Leah glared at the intruder, about to snap that there was this wonderful thing called knocking, when she realized it was Anders. More specifically, it was a very distressed and upset looking Anders.

"Leah you have to get him to stop this!"

The mage's gaze sharpened immediately, and she pushed up from her chair, letter and plotting forgotten as she grabbed her staff from where it leaned against her desk and hurried around it. Practice kept her voice even and calm as she spoke, "What's happening where?"

The 'who do I need to kill' was an unspoken addition, though most of her Wardens could usually pick up on it.

She belatedly realized that Anders was currently sans Ser Pounce. He hadn't left Ser Pounce behind since... ever. Oh shit, if someone had happened to that cat-- If something bad was happening period-- No one messed with her Wardens. No one. If Anders' distress was any indication then someone apparently needed a lesson in what the wrath of a healer looked like.

"I haven't gotten laid in over a _week_! Every time I try Justice appears out of nowhere like some-- some-- some spirit of cockblocking!"

It took Leah several seconds to hear past the anguish in Anders voice and comprehend what he said. She blinked at him in confusion, "Wait. You just burst in here all upset because-- But where's Pounce?"

"I left him in my room because it's apparently 'unjust' to manipulate people with my evil kitty magic, but that isn't enough! He's still doing it! Which is to say preventing me from doing anyone!"

Of all the emergencies--

Leah struggled to keep a straight face, relaxing back against the wood of her desk and loosening her hold on her staff, free hand tapping on the hilt of a knife. "Maybe you should try subtle."

"I _am_ subtle!"

The corner of her lips quirked up, "Anders, you wouldn't know subtle if it dumped you in the Waking Sea."

"Well that's not very subtle so I can't say I would then."

The other mage did look frazzled, she had to give him that. Actually, now that she thought about it... "You look a bit rumpled? Any chance that you're standing here all blue balled?"

The look he gave her was all the answer she needed. She bit at the corner of her lip.

"Maybe Justice doesn't want you to get laid?"

Anders rolled his eyes at her, and she let out an indelicate snort, still struggling to convince herself to be all serious and Commanderlike. This was a subordinate having an issue with another subordinate. Totally something she should handle maturely and with poise.

"Maybe he's jealous! Could be he wants you all to himself!" She added brightly.

Okay, so there went maturity.

Anders gave her a look of pure horror and she let out another snort, biting at her gloved fist to keep from giggling.

"It's not funny!"

"I beg to differ." She managed to choke out. Poised. She was poised.

"This is a serious problem!"

Leah snorted again, giving in to the giggles, which quickly gave way to laughter as Anders shot her a dirty look and stormed out of her office.

So much for poise.

***

One of the best parts of being a shapeshifter meant that Leah could actually see what her Wardens were up to when she wasn't there. Not that she and the most senior Wardens (which was inordinately weird way to think of them, since they'd been there for six months at most) didn't get drunk together and sound far too old talking about how hard those first few weeks had been, but the rest were a bit... intimidated by her.

For some reason telling them that she couldn't cast harmful spells seemed to just make it even more nervous. Leah never could figure out why, though.

She jumped from one rafter to the next over the mess hall, trying not to attract attention. A cat would make it easy to simply walk under the table, but then Anders would invariably find her and she did not want to be called 'Mr. Cuddles' ever again. Mice worked wonders unless Pounce was around (which was always), not to mention Oghren had shrieked one time when she ran over his foot. Spiders ran the risk of being squished. Squirrels jumped better, but were far too big, and whenever she turned into a bird everyone seemed to know it was her. Either she turned into a bird too much, or she made a terrible bird.

So, chipmunk it was.

She paused as she picked out Anders below. He had one of the new recruits with him, leaning against a pillar. They were a bit closer together than normal conversation required... so it was a good bet that he was flirting. She slowly and quietly made her way down to where she could hear, claws scraping at the surface of the wood.

If Nathaniel was right, Justice should be appearing soon. Apparently the last time Anders had tried to get the archer into bed Justice had appeared and insisted that even though Pounce had been sitting innocently at his feet, obviously Anders was doing _something_ and then gone on about how manipulating the cat was unjust.

She liked to think that maybe Nate had actually been responding for once, otherwise Justice wouldn't have had a reason to cockblock. Now _that_ was something she would love to see. Oh shapeshifting, how it enabled her to be the creepiest peeping tom ever.

Leah wasn't sure if she wanted to 'save' Anders from Justice or just see for herself. Probably the latter.

A quick glance up confirmed that Justice _was_ coming this way, but he didn't seem to be focused on Anders. The spirit didn't even seem to be seeing Anders, he was just heading along the wall like it was any normal day.

She crept further down the pillar, hopping onto a small ledge once she was within easy hearing distance and peeking over it, hoping nobody noticed a random curious rodent right above head height.

"There's actually a funny story about the tights. Not the most manliest of things, I know. Apparently years back the Templars decided they didn't like the easy access robes and needed to make it so that we had to work for it a bit more; give them some time to catch us."

"Why not just put you into pants?" The girl sounded amused, so either she was playing along or Anders was going the right track for this one.

"Have you _seen_ the Circle? Not one pair of pants in the whole place, just lots and lots of skirts.

"What about servants?"

"There aren't any, at least not normal ones. It's all mages and Tranquil and Templars with all of our little duties scurrying around. Let me tell you, some people should not be allowed around food."

Another giggle. Leah shifted more over the edge, but all she could see was the top of the girl's head. "So they kept you a strict distance from the kitchen, I take it? Were you relegated to dusting?"

"Oh, ouch. I'll have you know that I'm quite the good cook when I want to be."

"Uh huh."

"You've wounded me, my lady."

"I'm sure." The recruit waved a hand, "So, tights?"

"Right, they gave out tights and mandated everyone had to wear them. The mages, I mean, because Templars have no concept of fairness. Luckily _because_ we do so many chores plenty of mages were skilled with a needle and thread. Thus, tights became leggings!"

Leah could see the recruit glancing down at Anders' legs, which she knew full well had leggings on, "So... Why didn't they get rid of them?"

"Because Templars are stubborn. Plus, we cut a wonderful picture in them. The girls wear them better than we do, though." Leah couldn't see his face, but she could picture the charming grin he probably had on his face, "I'm sure you'd cut a much nicer look in them than I do, I have to say."

Leah rolled her eyes, but the recruit laughed below her so apparently that worked on some people.

Not for long, though, Justice had stopped near the flirting pair and was scowling at Anders, looking annoyed, "Now you are using _clothes_ to--" The spirit cut off with a scowl as both Anders and the girl looked at him. Leah could see the girl edging towards the wall a bit; most of the recruits were scared of Justice, especially when he had his helm off like he did now.

Anders, however, just looked annoyed, "Hello Justice, you _need_ something? We're both off duty right now."

The spirit took a step closer, scowling and looking like he was about to say anything, then stopping for a moment before speaking. Leah got a feeling he had been calculating what to day, "It is unjust to lie. You claim you do 'chores', but the Howe claims you incapable of cleaning your own room."

"Hey! My room is perfectly presentable!" Anders glanced aside to the girl, giving a quick smile, "Ignore him, he's just jealous I get to talk to pretty girls and he doesn't."

"It is unjust to lie!"

Three minutes of arguing later, and the girl was making a quick excuse before scuttling off in another direction. Barely a minute after that, and Justice was leaving Anders alone.

There was no way that hadn't been on purpose.

Anders hit his head against the pillar, muttering darkly to himself. Leah sighed, jumping to a closer ledge, and then to Ander's shoulder. He started at the sudden weight, but she was expecting that so she just shifted to accommodate and dug her claws into the feathers of his robes.

"Oh, hey Commander. You just get here or did you decide not to help with that?"

She gave an indignant squeak. How in the void did they always know who she was?

"I mean, I can handle myself usually but help really would have been appreciated. I may die of blueballs, is that what you want? 'Here be the ashes of Anders. He didn't get laid enough'."

She snorted, swiping a claw at his ear.

"Hey!"

Some of the other people in the hall gave him a strange look, and Leah realized that they probably didn't realize the random animal was her... assuming they even realized he had a live animal on his shoulder and not just a randomly brown clump of feathers.

"Annnnnd now I look crazy. Thanks, Commander, you're the best."

***

"The bath houses are for bathing, not fornication!"

Leah jumped nearly a foot as the yell came out from the men's washroom, a knife appearing in her hands before she had time to comprehend two things. One, that was Justice. Two... what?

She could hear arguing from beyond the thick door, but couldn't make out the words. It put her at war. On one hand she was really really curious, on the other than she was their Commander and waltzing in on naked men probably wasn't the most Commandery thing to do.

Then the door flew open and one of the recruits (one of the better looking men too, go Anders) came flying out in nothing but a towel.

It took a true force of will to keep her eyes trained on his face and not let them wander lower, as she nonchalantly tucked the knife back into her belt. The recruit swallowed visibly, obviously completely unsure what in the world one was supposed to do when caught naked and disheveled by their commanding officer.

"That Anders and Justice in there?"

"Uh... Yes ser."

For a split second she considered making things even more awkward, because she was _good_ at making things awkward... But she was also absurdly good at smoothing things over and Justice seemed to have 'awkward' well in hand, judging by the scattering of words that were making their way past the door, "It's really not Anders' fault. Justice seems to fine meddling form right now."

She gave him a smile, the one she knew made people blush and melt. Granted there was always the occasional immune-- nope, there came the blush. All the way down his neck too, it was freaking adorable; if she didn't have a solid 'do not fuck the subordinates' rule she might have been tempted to give Anders a run for his money, "Word of advice? Wait until Justice isn't around. He might be a fade spirit but he _is_ stuck in that body right now."

The recruit nodded quickly, stuttering out a "Y-yes ser", but she was already continuing down the hallway.

No sense sticking around and forcing Anders to finally escape Justice onto to run right into her standing outside the bathroom. Sure, she could have listened in or tried to help Anders out, but she wasn't _that_ benevolent.

***

She started scheduling Anders and Justice for different patrols and missions. No matter how much of a bitch she might be sometimes, she wasn't going to use work to torment anyone. They had enough shit to deal with, and talking with Justice apparently hadn't helped.

This was her life, apparently. Gone were the days of evil broodmother armies and archdemons and being hunted across the country, now her main concern besides the normal daily threats of death by darkspawn was to keep her lieutenants from cockblocking each other.

Maybe she was getting a bit too used to the darkspawn thing.

Maybe that was a good thing, they'd lost another recruit to the joining just days before and she... Well, if they didn't _need_ her here then maybe it was high time she ran off to find some other adventure. Constant threat of death was far preferable to a whole lot of boredom interspersed with grief and stress. At least enemies she could kill; there wasn't much she could do about the joining chalice.

Yes, definitely high time she was gone. Going on a hopeless slave-saving quest to Tevinter was looking more and more like a good idea every day. Or maybe she'd go try to track down family, she was fairly sure she had _some_ from the Free Marches or something. Anything that wasn't here.

A knock came at her door, and she called for the knocker to come in absently as she set aside the letter she was writing to Weisshaupt. Once it was sent off, that would be it. She'd disappear, they'd promote someone else to Commander (she'd recommended Nate or Sigrun, hopefully they'd take that into account and not put some idiot from Orlais in charge or something), and then it would be done.

She was a little bit surprised as Anders pushed the door open, grinning stupidly. Huh, she would have thought he would... wait.

Leah scowled at him, "You better be about to tell me you're disheveled because you got into a scuffle with someone and not a roll in the hay."

"I'll be sure to lie quite convincingly then."

Damned mage managed to look charming even when looking like he'd just jumped out of bed. She always just looked rumpled and tired. Why couldn't she ever look charming when she rolled out of bed? She always looked like something had crawled in her hair and died while flailing around dramatically.

So instead of answering, she just crossed her arms, leaned back and gave Anders her best Commandery look.

"Anyways, just wanted to tell you that I love you."

That got a snort out of her, "You know usually I have to do something obscene before I get that response."

The other mage leaned nonchalantly over her desk, poking at her papers (He never did have a sense of personal space, did he?). "It's true though! I finally got laid! And here I was thinking you didn't even like me, then you went and were all wonderful and switched it so Justice and I weren't on the same patrol. I tried to thank Sigrun but she threw something at my head and said to talk to you."

"So... You finally get laid and promptly leave him or her alone in your bed, or theirs, to come and thank _me_?"

Anders waved a hand airily, "He had a short patrol to get ready for."

"And yet you didn't use the chance to insist on a shared shower? Damn, you really are out of practice!"

He froze, then laughed, "Shit!"

Leah stuck her tongue out, "Idiot."

"Hey I was too elated to think straight, that's my story!" He grinned down at her, "Seriously though, thanks."

"I think we all have too much free time if you can thank me for giving you the free time to get laid."

"Yeah, well," The mage glanced down at her desk again and the grin suddenly fell away. For a moment she was confused, then she realized her letter to the First Warden was right there, in full view. "You're leaving?"

"Probably." She shrugged awkwardly, grinning, "You know me, I'm not happy unless I have some armies to fight or disasters happening. I figure you guys could use a break from that."

Anders was doing an incredible job of imitating an injured puppy. Damned puppy eyes. "But if you leave who'll save me from Justice!"

Leah laughed, tilting her chair onto the back two legs, "I'm sure you'll figure something out." He started to answer, puppy eyes still in full effect, but she held a hand up to stop him, "Don't you have a bath to interrupt?"

That got her a laugh, and got Anders starting out the door. Nothing like sex as a distraction.

All cockblocking aside, Wardens looked out for each other. They'd all be fine without her.


End file.
